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Welcome to Relatious, your best bud, your shrink and your journal rolled into one. Whether you’re in a long-term relationship or recently got dumped, whether you’re totally lusting after someone or just playing the field, this is the place to rant and rave about all your relationship news. Hipper than Facebook and far sexier than Twitter, we focus on the fun stuff: love and sex. Do you really want to read status updates about your friend’s root canal, or about how your co-worker’s head hurt like hell the morning after she did twelve shots of Jaeger? Not when you can read about how Jeff picked up a hot bridesmaid at his cousin’s wedding and they got busy under the ice sculpture. Or how Rachel went to the movies with a guy whose flatulence was surpassed only by Jabba the Hut. Here, everyone kisses and tells, even if they don’t name names.
Before you get started, here are a few guidelines to make everyone’s time on Relatious more, um, satisfying.
AVATAR: When you select your profile picture, for god’s sake give us some idea of what you really look like. If we see a picture of Anjelina Jolie or Homer Simpson, we know you’re hiding something (like the fact that you’re fug). Of course, be discriminating. Don’t use the photo of your head in the toilet from fraternity rush week, or the one where you’re wearing that shirt that reveals way too much chest hair (especially if you’re a girl). No one needs to see disturbing shit like that. If necessary, take out the digital camera and start from scratch. Comb your hair. Use a little gel if necessary. And don’t forget to smile for the goddamn camera.
PROFILE:If you want to get the most out of Relatious, fill out your profile and keep it up to date. Knowing if you’re single or married helps us keep things in perspective while we’re reading posts about your wild weekend in Vegas. Tell us where you live, even if you currently reside at the local correctional facility, what you’re looking for in a mate (a Jane Austen fan? someone with six-pack abs?), and what you’re not (a guy who still lives in his parents’ basement?). Tell us about your pet orangutan and your love of garden gnomes. Reveal as much dirt on yourself as you’re comfortable revealing. Believe us, it makes you look far more exciting than you probably are.
POSTINGS: If you want to fail on Relatious, talk about yourself and only yourself. (“Me, me, me…blah, blah, blah….I’m the friggin’ center of the universe.”) Boooriiing. Like when you met that geek at your cousin’s wedding and he went on and on about his collection of Star Wars Force FX Lightsabers. Show interest in your fellow posters. Cheer for Mark when he starts dating someone (find out how he asked her out, so maybe you have a shot at not being alone again tonight). Congratulate Jenny on her engagement and ask her about the size of her rock. Cry with Jon when Mary dumps him (we saw that coming from a mile away, didn’t we?). Be a supportive community member.
ANONYMOUS POSTINGS: At any time you can choose to post anonymously, which means you can write something without revealing your public profile. But remember to edit yourself so you don’t accidentally reveal too much. Don’t use your mistress’s real name, for example, or tell us where you work, if you want to stay beneath the radar. Someone who’s close to you and has half a brain may decipher your real identity faster than you can say “pink slip”. And remember, we’re not responsible if your girlfriend finds out you’re planning to propose at Mickey D’s next week, or if your spouse learns you’re cheating and starts a bonfire in your Land Rover.
DON’T BE SHY: Relatious is a friendly environment where you can share your relationship trials and tribulations with other poor unfortunate souls. As long as you’re using the anonymous-posting feature correctly, you can feel secure with us. We’re not the F.B.I., so we won’t be pounding on your door to confiscate your hidden stash of ganja. We won’t tell your best friend you have a crush on her Zac Efron-lookalike boyfriend (who doesn’t?) And we won’t let your ex know it was you who ran over his pet ferret with your Mini Cooper. So don’t hold back. Sharing life’s most colorful moments will only help us get to know you better, for better or worse.
I’m gay or lesbian. What about me?
If you want to show a rainbow flag at the bottom of your profile picture, go to “edit profile” and select the “Hey, I’m lesbian/gay” option.
DATING: How did your last date go? We want details! Did that hottie you met at the coffee shop invite you back to her place for a drink? When your boyfriend took you out for the first time, did he splurge for flowers and a nice restaurant (one with cloth napkins, not paper), or was a chipotle burger at a drive-thru his version of a hot date? Also, make sure you us about our dates – we have feelings too.
SEDUCTION: Tell us how you flirted your way into his heart, got her into bed, or at least made a feeble attempt to seduce. Maybe you sashayed over in sky-high stilettos, only to fall on your ass before you go to his bar stool. Or perhaps you walked up to her in the frozen-food aisle, a la Steve Martin in My Blue Heaven, and told her she’s “so hot, she could melt all that stuff.” Did she slap your face or dry hump you against the fish sticks and frozen spinach? We are dying to hear what you did and what kind of reaction you got. And if you want to know how Joe ended up with Mike? Just ask him. We’ll bet a 36-pack of Trojans that he’s willing to spill the beans.
DAY IN, DAY OUT: Ah, the juicy part. Tell us about the first time. Did she call out the name of her last lover? Is he pressuring you to do something you’re not ready for? If you’ve been with the same person for years, how do you stay hot for each other? (Maybe you pull out the Bill and Monica costumes for a little role-playing action.) Maybe you’ve been in the closet and are ready to break out. There’s nothing you can’t share with us, and I’m sure you’ll find sympathetic community members who’ll be able to help you with all your ahem, sticky situations. Bottom line, we’re all a little confused about something in this department, and anyone who tells you otherwise is a big, fat, horny liar. If you’re shy, just use the anonymous function. Remember, you’re safe here.
BREAK-UP: It happens. When it does, feel free to bitch about your ex. Tell us how you were dumped, or how you did the dumping. Did he take you to a formal restaurant so you wouldn’t make a scene? Are you fighting over custody of the cat? Is the prick she cheated on you with the same prick who signs your paycheck? Ouch. At least you can try to find the humor in it all. And who knows? Maybe you’ll find someone else here who’s going through the same thing.
Good luck and have fun on Relatious.